Still a long way to go

I guess I am too ambitious in this stage, I still  kind of wanting everything,  but I still fail to ..

today, I used to promise myself to go dancing, joining the ballroom dance class, however, at the last moment, I still quit.

Why? not because of having many things to do,  but I am too tired and don’t have a clear idea in my head. I am the kind of people , just want it all. want to have everything in hand, but in the end, nothing occurs to me.

I still want to prepare for my job , maybe after finishing my ph.d , I have to end up with going to find a job

or I maybe want to continue my research,  so I still need to deliver good research result.

I have to learn a lot of things to make myself fun, otherwise why people would choose to talk to me?

I have to beauty up my appearance and my communication skills , otherwise, why do people like to talk with me ?

I need to have a lot of knowledge besides of my expertise, thus, bringing fun to the conversation.

However, I fail to do all of these, I am doomed to be a failure..

I guess I need to give up on the relationship part, because I am really not qualified to waste anyone’s time.

 

In these sense, I would better finish my own things and devote more and more time on improving myself. from every sense.

Carry on

what makes me so angry this weekend

during this weekend, I finally have the chance to meet one girl , I have dreamed to be for a long time. 

The dinner with her was very nice, we exchanged ideas and opinions about almost everything. Recently, she is struggling to find a job in wall street, so a lot of pressure. 

However, we still strap into talking about relationship. this is always an eternal topic but I didn’t realize this would be the beginning of my tragedy.

Ok, she mentioned the gossip between her and a lot of other guys. I thought it was true, so encourage her to go for someone she is really interested.

However, after I got back and have a chance to talk to others, they totally shocked me. In their  eyes, this woman is a psychopath, or has a severe paranoia… she always dreamed of people having some fantasy to her. But obviously it is not true..

 

anyway, I really feel empathy for her. She is really a good person, a good people. only one problem is this kind of over caution. But it is definitely not as such bad as they think it would be.

I totally think as a single woman, she is still my idol, very good and independent. However, people’s biased idea about single women really hurts me . For me, the lesson learned is not talk too much with others and keep in contact with great people, instead of mingling around some not so decent ones. That way, my life would be definitely better.

forget about the past and just move on..

 

ethics vs law

yesterday, I attended a talk by a former Goldenman sachs vice president, who got his fame by writing the famous NY times op-ed ” why I left Goldenman Sachs”. I have a very good impression on this article and it really made me to think about the career I used to dream to chase—–banking.

working in wall street versus working in tech company is a choice in front of most EE phd who are doing signal processing. obviously why wall street is so much  attractive is its payment. the salary package is normally two- three times of the salaries you can get from tech company. But it doesn’t come free. The working hours and pressure is also high. 

however, when most young people are considering a career, salary is not the dominant factor, even not the priority. most of them think of the chances of getting promotion, the opportunity to learn and develop themselves. 

And another factor I want to point out is the mystery,  since we have worked so much on the tech side, the business part of the world always seems so much different and attractive.

However, he unveiled the fancy world for us. It is definitely not as decent as I thought it would be. According to his op-ed and his talk, the banking industry has totally transformed from helping the business to grabbing money. They rely on government bay out. they treat their clients as idols.

He doesn’t blame the bankers, but he thinks it all due to the system. The system doesn’t discourage this unmoral behavior, but instead, it incentive this kind of behavior. So in his mind, the problem is rooted in the system. It relates to the problem now Americans talk about a lot, which is privatizing the public good. 

Though I am not shocked at the truth fact of wall street, I am shocked by how morality and ethics plays in people’s daily life and job choice. It never occurred to me that I should choose a job which is really contributing to the society. I thought I just need to do something to get the money.

Now it is back to the basic need for all human beings. except food and shelter, satisfactory and the feeling of contribution is also in the whole package of basic human needs. People emphasize too much on the material side of human being, but leave out the spirit side. it is definitely unhealthy and not sustain. 

So lessons from his lecture,  pay more attention to the spirit part of my life. Though people would think I am still under average human’s living standard. however, purchasing spirit part always  make me feel more noble~

a long way to go……….

winter quarter finally starts, before it , I have lots of plans, plan to take acting class, plan to take to take ballet class, but after one week, all the ambitions disappears. The reason is simple, I lost all the determination, and the freezing weather really makes it more unachievable for me… I hate the cold weather. really.

I thought I worked hard enough, but when look at my own profile, I realize that it is actually far away from enough. I still just embarked on the journey. still too many things to do that I even feel frustrated by the way to go.

The most frustrating thing in the world is that I am surrounded by all kinds of supermen.

like Yuxin, I still can’t figure out how he can take so many courses and still able to conduct good research, I mean really good research.

Iike zhou hao,  got his phd in 4 years + MBA+ 2 master , now he is working for a hatch fund.

Like Xie yao,   absolutely beautiful women, got married and got published lots of paper, TA several classes and now she is teaching Information Theory in Duke.. .. Can a just graduated phd teaching a graduate school for such an important topic in such a distinguished university?? isn’t that called wonderful?? 

…

…

the list is on and on and on. Sitting in the same place, I am just far away from them.

now this really makes me to think about finding my place in the world. Unfortunately, I am not born in a wealthy family, neither my father nor my mother has money or fame.

I haven’t got very good education, at least I used to think that way.

But Now, I realize everyone, don’t need to be good at all the things, but just need to be an expertise in one field, good at doing one thing.

Review how vincent van gogh started his drawing at 30. and he drew from day to night without any rest. has anyone accused him of not able to play piano?

so I don’t need to be so ambitious and want it all, I just need to be good at one thing. Now, I am still thinking of doing academia, I still think my public speaking skills and communication skills, may be not superb compared with marketing people, but definitely good enough among the nerds,

besides, I still think banking or consulting is not a good career choice, You won’t be able to do it when you are , for 50 or something, but I still can teach students when I am 70. Having a job is really a must for all the human beings, but amusingly you are really good at it.

 

So, in a word, concentrate, minimalism, and just do the things simple and elegant. Everyday counts, though I am not good at this stage, as long as I keep trying, I will hand out a good resume when I graduated.

 

 

 

 

got myself several clothes this weekend

forget about shopping clothes online, it is just not good idea to buy clothes online, though it is much cheaper, but when it comes to the coat, and jeans, good shirt,  it is much better to go to merchandise store to buy

btw, you can see a lot of good deals in store in person, especially when the brand clothes,  you need to try on and see how the clothes actually look on you

 

good start and clean up the old clothes which you will never wear, and then go on have a good tast

lie in bed for two days…missing the time when I am still healthy

going through serious pains in the last two days, I am steadily recovered. During the last two days, I almost lost all the interest in living and wanted to kill myself that time.But thank god, I use my last strength to call my mother.

Though I don’t think I love my parents a lot , they are the people who I trust most. I know they always stand behind me whatever happens.

My mom was so upset while I called her. She tried her best to calm me down and ordered me to take the best care of myself. Financially  and personally,   she always support me whatever I do. However, though I want to very much give back something to them, I still feel so  vain to do anything for them. The thing I need to do is develop gradually  and make them proud of me, proud of having me

so the new year,  make everyday countable!!