what am I shameful of and why?

To sell a medicine, first  you need to sell a disease.

That captures what I think of the widely spread depression phenomena.  As people know me well, I have been suffering from depression for years. However, I don’t think it is a disease as my therapists or psychiatrists constantly trying to persuade me. On the contrary, I feel it is a quite natural human response to the particular environment surrounding me.

Even though I was forced to take medicine and various other treatments, I am skeptical that it is actually a large scandal. A business scandal to sell all those drugs and make profits. I recently read a book by a Harvard Medical School MD, who as an insider, shares the same views with me.

instead of believing depression is due to some malfunction of brain or genetics, the author argues that it may simply due to our legacy negative emotions —- guilt, shame and anxiety. Those emotions eventually put us into a hopeless and depressed situation. And through our free will, we are able to identify, reject and eventually take full control of our emotions. Here is my thought on some basic premises assumed in the book.

What is human nature?

The word human nature  or instincts is taken for granted  in our daily life when we need to explain some behaviors, but I always have the doubt, is there really existing something called human nature? how does it exist? and more importantly, is it fixed or varied between races or culture?

I used to deny the existence of human nature and profoundly believe that what we called as human nature may be simply due to our social surroundings or education. We can be whatever we choose and want to be. However, years of personal experience makes me incline to believe that what defines us as human beings are not only the appearance, but also the common emotions and desire inherited in our brains. As explained in the film waking life, what truly called incarnation may be simply a collective memory. Such collective memory can be rooted back to the stone age. Millions of years environment,  behaviors cultivates human beings all the traits we know call them human nature.

In this book ,the author carefully analyses the self -destructive, negative emotions that manipulate us the whole life time. The guilt, shame and anxiety are all inheritance after years of biology evolution and easily triggered and reinforced by childhood experience. As the same explanation given by Freud, lots of our personal characteristics are related to our childhood experience even without our consciousness.

Even though we try to provide a safe and loving environment for kids, we have to admit that childhood abuse is quite common and a lot of victims are suffering for the rest of their life. Personally, I got a lot of bully in school and also got lots of critics at home. Those experiences all directly affect my self perception and confidence. Recognizing them is the first step to the solutions.

What you feel can be vastly different from the reality

If we think for a while, it’s easier to identify that those negative emotions like guilty, shame are unnecessary and sometimes not even close to the reality. Even some argues it motivates us, I will say that it simply exhausts us. Why do we feel shameful or guilty?

Take myself for example. I feel shameful because I am ugly, fat, unintelligent, and poor. Sure, those may be true. But those are not my faults.  I feel guilty when I can’t finish something, but in reality, I am never in debt to any one. I feel guilty when I can’t be someone as my parents wish me to be, but that is me. Why am I shameful?

The intense guilty and shame actually only reflects our desire to be a better person, to joys and love.  But we need to carefully exam the expectations we have in ourselves. If I can’t reach the society’s beauty standards, if I can’t get social acceptance just by being myself, if I don’t want to be the kind of person my parents wish me to be, it is totally not my fault and I should never be shameful about these.

Instead, I should really take full control of myself and do things I feel delight regardless of what others say.  Emotional freedom is the second step to the solutions.

As always, love will save us.

I live in a world which prioritizes money, fame or even sex over love. Even there exists doubts about true love. But from my personal experience, nothing gives me more joy compared with love. For me, to love, is the only purpose of life.

My depression is largely due to my recognition that I am not sexually attractive, so that I believe I am unable to love and be loved. However, love is not only constrained in a romantic relationship.  There are lots of things to love, nature, art, science, music, humanity etc.

But, self love doesn’t work, at least for me.

Many people told me to love myself, but I can’t do that because I never feel happy or fulfilled when I treat myself well. I doubt  what is self love ??? buying yourself nice things? great meals? vacation?

No, I think self love is the biggest lie in modern world. What is the form of self- love? if self loving is really buying yourself great stuff, blindly confident about self, then I truly believe it is another business scandal to sell more stuff.

Maybe I am  the remaining few who feel more happy giving love, helping others and sharing with others. To love makes me feel strong, worthwhile and genuinely happy.

The solutions 

Even I will never find some person to love, I would like to devote my passion for the other things. There are always people in need of help, as long as I keep looking. Working for improving the human conditions, adopting kids, volunteering, writing to console others,  I think in the rest of my life, I will devote lots of time doing this, because, living for others eventually makes me better.

Last words,  love is the last resort we should go in such a depressing world. Never use drugs, they are terrible !

申根签证又被拒了。。

我真的是太不认真对待太多的事情啦，一直以为申根签证跟其它国家一样很宽松，可以说走就走。

结果悲剧了。。 唉，只能再过两天去embassy 门口再哭求一遍。

唉，准备好不去欧洲了，在图书馆看书吧。

Let’s talk about Gender Identity

Supreme Court has  legalized same sex marriage last Friday, which is a big step to United States’ freedom and individualism. It takes our attention back to discover sexual orientation. But this time, I want to talk about another elephant in the room, which is gender identity. How do you define your gender? Do we have the choice of changing gender?

I am puzzled by this all through my life. Last month, my therapist asked me, whether or not I want to change my gender.  It was not the first time I am thinking of it. When I was a freshman in college, I accidentally chose a course called ” the study of sex”. As all the young people who are so curious about sex, I chose it, only discovered later that it is not about the ” sex” I want to know, but about gender identification, especially in childhood.

Still, I think gender identification is complicated, way complicated than people usually think. We usually took the biology gender as what we think we should be. However, some people find their psychological identification not match with the body they are born with. Some men long to be women and cross dressing as women. Some women don’t want to play a traditional women’s role and want to live life and be treated as men. Often than that, those people are being described as “wired” and isolated by the mass.

But why?

Modern science has long discovered that every man or woman has both male and female hormones , hence everyone has both masculine and feminine traits. I like the British artist Grayson Perry. Through exaggerating cross dressing, he just wants us to embrace the both sides of every human beings.

I come here tonight to celebrate the feminine in myself, rejoice all the feelings I expressed by dressing like this. I feel compelled to dress like this by part of myself basking to find expression for a part of me, that is vulnerable, softer, gentler, wondrous, innocent, even sweet,  a part of me as a boy I discard, hide as a survival strategy in a harsh environment, a part of me that is reemerged, and still emerging and gives me much pleasure.

— Grayson Perry

I guess we all have the similar experience, gender is not only a biological term, but also a social term. We expect women to be dependent, emotional, weak, sexual submissive, nursing, while the men to be independent, aggressive, competitive, dominant, etc.

Obviously, it is unrealistic. Not only women but also men feel uncomfortable with all these  stereotypes and it is time to break these. I hate the book called ” Man are from Mars and Women are  from Venus “, The book is full of gender stereotypes and simply ignore the fact that we are much alike.

So I think we should ignore all the gender issues. We should throw away all the stereotype associated with gender.

Even as a woman, I am comfortable with my masculine side and I don’t think it’s necessary to go through surgery just for social acceptance. I am happy with the way I live.

So I said No.