写在2017– 逝去的过往，就不要回头望

离上次很认真的写自己的生活，已经有两年了。这两年发生了很多事情，导致我都记不得2015时那个很挣扎， 很痛苦的自己。虽然生活没有任何的好转，当时所痛苦的一切，现在还是一模一样。不同的是，我的心境到是变了很多，至少不再焦虑，也不怎么痛苦。另一方面，虽然也感觉不到什么开心，总算也是一种改善。

还是不太跟人沟通，还是没什么朋友，还是没有钱，唯一变化的就是，我已经适应了这样的生活。 其实我的人生本来就是这个样子，每个人的起点不一样，故而命运也会不同，我能做的就是努力让自己好一点，认真的过自己的每一天而已。

这两年对我帮助最大的，是文学。 如果让我推荐给其它受抑郁症困扰的人，我会推荐–

好好照顾自己的身体， 多吃新鲜的食物，多运动，不必考虑健身之类的，每天能慢跑，游泳，走大概半个小时就会让自己的心情很好。记得要少喝酒，少抽烟， 少抽大麻，即使短时间会让心情好转，但长久会让心情更抑郁。

不喜欢跟人沟通就不必要跟人沟通，很多时候 ， 我感觉所有的压力，焦郁都源自于社交。 独自生活，其实并没有想象中那么可怕，反而更加轻松自在。

文学是很好的逃离自己的方式。 有太强的自我意识，就会很强的体会到自己的不足，自己的懦弱，也会对生活对自己的不公强烈不满，文学就是一种很好的调剂，从自己的世界脱离出来，以旁观者的身份进入想象中另一个世界， 至少这样，就已经是一种很好的调剂了。更何况，文学有助于自己以另一种角度来审视自己，会让人更豁达。

最后，多鼓励自己，每过一天，都鼓励自己能过完这一天，就是一种成功。

谢谢过去两年一直永远宽容的家人， 谢谢关心我的朋友，谢谢一直支持我读完学位的导师，三年来一直开导我的心理医生， 最重要的是

谢谢一路上还一直坚持的自己。

新一年， 对自己以及身边的人温柔， 健健康康的过完下一年，就是我全部的期望。

 

On Turning 30

Today is my birthday, I ordered a cup of coffee from Philz and sit here, in their buzzing cafeteria in market street, with some people around me staring at their computers, seeming to work .on important stuff to save the world and others doing job interviewers trying to form a great life story of themselves to get a job of handling coffee.

I admit I am terrified of aging, I am so afraid of admitting that I am officially 30 now that I tell nobody and do nothing to celebrate.

The reason is simple, because until I get old, I realize how awesome youth is.

Yes, being young is awesome. It is the time that you are energetic, you are beautiful, you can do anything without worrying about the future and you are adored by many.  People around you will take care of you, will forgive you of whatever you did and will not judge you too harshly simply because you are still young.

Youth is liberty, freedom and expression. Of course, it is supposed to be the best time of my life.

However, I spent almost all of my twenties in school, preparing for exam, doing some research, passing the qualification and getting the degree. Expect a PhD degree, all other things the society expects a 30th year old to have are not in my list. A house, a car, a marriage, kids, a career and even a steady relationship, none of them.

More than that, I even don’t have found my passion, my purpose and my goal of the life. That is .the reason I am totally freaking out.

But then, I tell my unsecured self, it is all fine.  At least, I have survived 30 years in this dangerous world.

Recently, I am reading a book of Japanese Wabi-Sabi. Wabi-Sabi essentially is about acceptance of imperfection and appreciating few things we have in life.  Instead of perpetuate stimulated by the desire to have new things and explore,  just try to appreciate the beauty and  accomplishment already around you.

At least, at the age of 30, I have no debt, live in an amazing city in the world, relatively healthy and have a decent job.

For the future, I definitely wish myself to be more optimistic,  be more confident and proactive in life and be more open to others.

But after all, I wish to just remember that  – everything is fine whatever I do~